i am a mess lately
i’m a mess lately…
it seems like there is no way i can control my ADHD and OCD — mixed it’s like killer combo to have huge ambition with what feels like zero consistency to make it happen. i look at all of my unfinished projects while coming up with a great idea for a new one, not realizing i’m the literal definition of insanity, but i would argue with whoever wrote the definition for this word or at minimum ask them if they would consider a clause for people like me.
nevertheless, my real life responsibilities continue with no regard on how prepared i am to get em’ done.
i could say so much more — complain so much more — create excuses as to why life is so damn hard.
transparently, i have been doing this things in my head for so long i have learned it is a literal road to no where, except maybe, to more complaining and making more excuses.
if mel robbins is right that no one is coming for you — it’s time i better start showing up for myself.
–B
Some thoughts on love right now…
I want to know what it’s like to be in love.
To feel safe – to be safe for someone.
I’ve started thinking about the relationships I’ve been in. What type of person I was with each person. What type of person they were. Where my headspace was at. Where my confidence was at (or lack of confidence). Where were my finances? What was going on in my head with my relationship with myself and my past. What was going on in the relationships around me?
The truth is, I’ve never really been all that good at love.
I’ve probably been more selfish with it than I’d like to admit—wanting love first, rather than being in a state of mind where I’m equally prepared to give love. And not just to the person I’m with, but to myself.
I’ve never really loved (or liked) myself like I do these days.
But what’s interesting that I am noticing within myself is that the more I realize, the more I heal from past relationships, the more I grow up and mature, the more I learn about what love is… I’m less scared of it. It doesn’t seem as mysterious to me. It actually seems simple. Not simple to define, just simple to do. It’s simple to love someone. I think what’s hard is waiting to love the right one.
What’s hard about love is not loving someone out of your loneliness. Or not allowing yourself to be loved out of someone else’s loneliness.
I think I can see in the past where I’ve settled for people because I’ve been lonely.
Scared to be alone.
I’m not scared to be alone anymore, but I will say, the loneliness does still hurt me.
And I have friends, hobbies, a career, kids… I workout, I read, I write, I process… But the reality is I want to be married again. I want to be in love. I want to share my life with someone. I want to experience life with someone. And sometimes it’s lonely as I have experiences with friends, do my hobbies, celebrate my career wins, watch my kids grow up, workout and get healthier, relax on the weekends…
I’m happy.
But being happy doesn’t mean that I don’t wait patiently for the right one.
No. 74
“I’m number 74!” I said laughing as I watched my name get added to a list, directly after having sex with him for the first time.
“Also… wtf do the emoji’s mean?” I taunted while searching for my underwear.
He explained the emojis and I suggested he consider adding a legend to the top for numbers 75+ so they can glance over his shoulder more easily without asking too many questions. Unless of course he wants us to ask?
– B
October 28, 2024 at 6:48 AM
The Upside to Mental Disorders
It’s who I am, and I deserve to embrace all parts of me, not just the ones most socially accepted by others.
If there’s a downside (to anything) I’m typically the first to find it.
At the time of this writing I can’t specifically state whether or not this comes innately – a gift from God – from my full list of diagnosed & undiagnosed mental disorders, trauma, environmental experiences or just a natural evolutionary disposition towards pessimism to live emotionally regulated from expectations VS reality... in whatever the official findings are as to why I am this way, it’s honestly all still brings on the same conclusion: I see the negative sides of life immediately.
Which I know now gives me such a great gift in that I get to choose to look for the wonderful, positive aspects of people and learn to embrace curiosity and patience. I don’t wish anymore that anything would come more naturally to me, instead I recognize that I’m entering a zone of life where I have something to learn, to grow deeper into. It seems as though the acceptance of my natural tendency to recognize the negative aspects of people & life has evolved me into being able to become immediately curious & interested to find the positive.
Strange how the full acceptance of all aspects of onself brings such a natural happiness, isn’t it?
– B
October 28, 2024 at 6:07 AM
This post was inspired by @ginneynoa’s Instagram reel as I sat scrolling this morning, which contrary to productivity experts is “not good” for one to do in the morning because in the morning apparently we should turn on our robot brains to plug into the matrix and immediately become productive, efficient, goal-oriented, focused, mature, adult, capable, predictable, consistent, reliable, unbending, disciplined, etc. etc. etc. Just a note: that advice is only relevant to the season of life you’re in and is not applicable for everyone at all times.
Sometimes I forget…
Sometimes I forgot how enjoyable it is to spend time with myself.
When I do, I’m reminded of how lucky I am to be me.
To know myself, take care of myself, to enjoy my own company.
I wonder, does reminding myself of how much I enjoy my own company serve as the reminder that someone else should feel the same of me – and me of them – romantic relationship or not. I bet it does. <3
Just Because I Have It Does’t Mean I Want It
I’ve never known what I truly wanted in life, but I’ve always been able to keep track of what I’ve lost in life and felt it deeply — to the point where it seems to have created an illusion that just because I had something I wanted it.
So it begs the question…
Just because I have something does it mean I have what I want?
I most certainly have believed, more times than I would care to admit, that because I have something I have what I want.
Why else would I have it?
Well… most things I’ve had, I did not deeply want, they just were the first chance, the first idea or the first person I attached myself to in order to feel safe in the world.
So it begs a second question…
What am I still holding onto just because I have it, because it makes me feel safe in the world — and not because I deeply want it?