Some thoughts on love right now…
I want to know what it’s like to be in love.
To feel safe – to be safe for someone.
I’ve started thinking about the relationships I’ve been in. What type of person I was with each person. What type of person they were. Where my headspace was at. Where my confidence was at (or lack of confidence). Where were my finances? What was going on in my head with my relationship with myself and my past. What was going on in the relationships around me?
The truth is, I’ve never really been all that good at love.
I’ve probably been more selfish with it than I’d like to admit—wanting love first, rather than being in a state of mind where I’m equally prepared to give love. And not just to the person I’m with, but to myself.
I’ve never really loved (or liked) myself like I do these days.
But what’s interesting that I am noticing within myself is that the more I realize, the more I heal from past relationships, the more I grow up and mature, the more I learn about what love is… I’m less scared of it. It doesn’t seem as mysterious to me. It actually seems simple. Not simple to define, just simple to do. It’s simple to love someone. I think what’s hard is waiting to love the right one.
What’s hard about love is not loving someone out of your loneliness. Or not allowing yourself to be loved out of someone else’s loneliness.
I think I can see in the past where I’ve settled for people because I’ve been lonely.
Scared to be alone.
I’m not scared to be alone anymore, but I will say, the loneliness does still hurt me.
And I have friends, hobbies, a career, kids… I workout, I read, I write, I process… But the reality is I want to be married again. I want to be in love. I want to share my life with someone. I want to experience life with someone. And sometimes it’s lonely as I have experiences with friends, do my hobbies, celebrate my career wins, watch my kids grow up, workout and get healthier, relax on the weekends…
I’m happy.
But being happy doesn’t mean that I don’t wait patiently for the right one.