Dear Reader,
I write about the best part of life — love.
–B
i know you like it better when i smile, so…
i still cry
i just do it when no one’s looking
–B
February 18, 2025 at 12:44 PM
trauma response
i wanted to speak up
i wanted to scream stop
i’m grown,
so how is this happening again?
i thought i was safe in his bed
i thought this person was my friend
but he brought me right back
to what happened to me when i was a kid
so
i did what i did
when i was little
i laid still
i was quiet
pretending what was happening wasn’t happening
a few days have passed now, and
i’ve learned from all these years of therapy
the reason i laid there was because
my trauma response kicked in
[currently working on the end of this poem…]
this kept me safe before
that’s what’ll keep me safe now
my brain’s just doing it’s job the best way it knows how
it’s not that i did not want to speak up — i did
it’s not that i did not want to tell him to stop — i did
–B
February 18, 2025 at 11:50 AM
at least you’re consistent tho
you always say the right thing
after you see
how you said the wrong thing
–B
January 27, 2025 at 7:30 AM
your actions suck bro
your words are perfect, but
your actions — pathetic
so thank you for making it easy for me to see
i’m just your option, and
i’ll never be your priority
–B
January 26, 2025 at 5:59 PM
FOOTNOTES: Some poems come out perfectly, but it’s rare. A lot of poems come out where I can tell there are some solid truths, a good play on words, a great rhyme scheme or just the potential of something that feels really honest and pure. I don’t always leave footnotes on every poem, but wanted to point out with this one how when it came down to editing the poem I reversed the original order (because it didn’t really make any sense tbh) and then just asked myself, “what am I trying to say” so I don’t have to make the reader guess here. I don’t know if anyone reads these little footnotes, but it’s fun to add them in!
Original poem:
I’m your option, not your priority
Your words are perfect
Your actions are pathetic
a lovesong that ended
i listen to that song we danced to in your kitchen
i listen to it long enough to appreciate what we could have been
but i never
listen to it long enough to stay stuck fantasizing of what we never were
a beautiful moment in time, but
we were a lovesong that ended
i wish could have lasted forever
– B
October 27, 2024 at 11:57 PM
did you even hear what i said?
you wouldn’t know
because you don’t ask
but my god
how you love to talk
i mean —
did you even hear what I said?
– B
October 12, 2024 at 5:07 AM
can love be resurrected?
am i surprised
or is this pain to be expected
when love from the past
becomes resurrected?
– B
October 2, 2024 at 1:40 PM
I omitted the bottom part out of the poem because I felt it drug it out. Sometimes it’s what you don’t say, what you don’t add, that makes a statement (or a poem) powerful. It’s all in the edit. : )
dead or alive?
alive or dead?
either way i don’t know —
if our love is living or dead?
sort it out
everything seems disorganized — everything seems messy
i try to sort it out and feel bad
that i haven’t already sorted it out
sorta seems like nonsense…
how could i sort it out, before i sort it out?
– B
October 2, 2024 at 1:30 PM
if you want to hurt me
if you want to hurt me
you’ll need my permission
and i’m not giving it to you
respond as you will
do as you do
say whatever you want
karma comes around, baby
and you’ll hurt yourself
trying to hurt me
– B
October 1, 2024 at 11:17 AM
open wounds needs closed
you shut me out
angry if i do the same
relentless with your ego to be strong
you crumble and good for good reason
then use your rubble to throw stones at me
when i express the same sentiment to you, as you do me
“let me be here for you” you say as i open up
“let me be here for you” i say as you shut me out
maybe it’s who you are
maybe it’s what you are
maybe it doesn’t matter whether it’s who you are or what you are
all i know is that you pull me in
and then push me away
i can’t live on standby
i can’t just stand by
i won’t pretend that it’s okay for you to live a fragile life
and cut me every time you break
your breaking is breaking me
i’ll bleed out
open wounds need closed
–B
October 1, 2024 at 11:12 AM
where do i put these memories?
i fixed my vacuum cleaner today, and
it made me think about that time i fixed yours
when we laughed in your kitchen at me overexplaining to you how i fixed it
why do the most mundane moments mean so much?
and where do I put these memories that made me fall in love with you, especially
when you fall out of love with me?
– B
September 30th, 2024 at 1:29 PM
i thought i could
i thought i could, but i can’t
i can’t love your heart when i know
when i know
when i know
when i know
it’s breaking mine
– B
September 30, 2024 at 1:03 PM
settled
it’s taken some time but you’re settling now
into this new life of yours
and the coffee you’ve been brewing
is waiting to be poured
the boxes are unpacked (mostly)
and your u-haul has been returned
dust is even starting to settle
on that new white couch of yours
therapy has been scheduled
gym visits are becoming routine
you have time for netflix binges
and you’re crushing single-parenting
you’ve never been single
or lived entirely on your own
and three months isn’t long enough
for this new life to feel totally natural
but i see what no one else does
and i know the depth of your pain
i know how this all seems unfair
and how the man you used to love said “you’re entirely to blame”
i know you believed this to be emphatically true
i know how his words have broken you
but just like the boxes that took time to un-pack
your old beliefs need to be sorted through
then you can determine
what beliefs stay
and which ones go
its’ exhausting work — i know, i know, i know
get settled
move on
it’s just you now
and it’s time to go
–B
March 3, 2024 at 6:01AM
i won’t hurt my soul
your prayers arrive empty
because they aren't god's words
i won't hurt my soul
to ease yours
i won't hide my heart
because you lack one
i am who i am
and i am done
trying to change that
at least you love yourself
you like to talk about yourself
pretend that you're listening to me
while you're still thinking on
the next thing to say about you
bud, you are a friend to no one
and only a lover of yourself
ocean eyes
you misjudged me
saw one side of me
thought you'd call me
a drop of water
look up now
into my eyes
see me for
the ocean I am